Fitting in

Warning: this post is a poor pity me post and serves no real purpose other than to get my feelings out.

I have been having a hard time here lately. I feel very disconnected to anybody here, for obvious reasons...

Moving here was really hard for me, even though it has been a super great blessing. We moved here at a difficult time: I was about 8 weeks pregnant with NO idea it was twins, super SUPER sick, and not really excited to start out in a new place yet.

Almost a month after being here, we found out we were expecting twins. Then that is really when things started to get harder. My sickness stopped, but when I started hurting, it was hard to be motivated to do anything at all. We only had one car until July and so Ellie and I were stuck at home every day. It was hard!!

Then as the pregnancy continued, more pain followed, more exhaustion crept up on me, and I was so tired all the time, so I didn't want to go anywhere with Ellie!

I would go here and there, but taking her to the park was a nogo for a few reasons: 1) it was seriously so hot and humid 2) she ran away from me all the time so I couldn't risk taking her somewhere I couldn't have control 3) I was hurting and all I wanted to do way lay down so I wasn't in as much pain.

Basically, as I grew bigger and bigger I got less and less mobile and simple things were getting so hard! Then at 31 weeks, a huge wrench was thrown in the mix and I was hospitalized and put on bed rest.

That was the hardest month of my life. I couldn't do anything, go anywhere and I just wanted to be done! Going into labor at a point when they would no longer stop it was the best blessing I could have received because I was just done being pregnant with twins!!

I promise all this is relevant and I am trying to make a point...

So then we had the twins during cold and flu season and we have mostly kept them home, which means I'm back to being stuck at home all the time. Sick season is almost over, so we will start to get out more, but I have kept my boys home in order to protect them, not to mention the logistical reasons...getting out with one newborn was a challenge. Getting out with two is downright crazy!

So with all that background info, I'm going to finally get to the point of this post.

I came here at a hard time. An emotional time, and I left behind best friends that shouldn't and never will be replaced. Because of the circumstances of life, I didn't have the opportunity to make really great friends right away. I feel like I have a lot of pretty good friends, but not many I could just call upon to hang out. I haven't let myself really open up to anyone enough to build a good friendship, aside from a couple of people here and here that I feel I can really count on.

So, being here is hard! I miss my friends, my family and it is hard to be somewhere when you feel like you still haven't connected with anyone. And being in a ward full of older people doesn't help. I honestly feel like the person I know the best and can count on the most is someone much older than me, who is in a completely different stage of life, with children nearly as old as I am, and I am pretty certain I am not considered one of her closest friends, or even someone she would call to invite to hang out with...

Hopefully as the twins get older, I can get out a lot more and get to know more people at a deeper level, and start to feel like maybe I fit in here a bit better. But for now, I feel alone and bummed out a lot of the time. I hope I can make a great group of friends soon, and fill that void so I feel like I can fit in more.

Like I said, I feel like I have a lot of acquaintance friends; people I don't know on a deeper level, people that I couldn't just call up and say, "Hey, let's hang out." And this is so hard for me. I'm not trying to offend anyone here by saying that they haven't opened up to me, or anything, just that circumstances have not allowed me to get to know people enough to make really good connections and friends.

I really hope this can change and that I can open myself up to making friends and finding a group of friends that I can do things with, because not having friends in a new place is hard... And it is wearing me down.

Here's to hoping 2013 brings me lots of opportunities to make friends and have fun! I need it, and so does the welfare of my family :) because being unhappy because I feel alone is not good for my mood, and when I'm unhappy, everyone else is, too.