What next?

Here it is, October 8th. This year is flying past me faster than ever!

So, I just had a novel written about being an RA and I decided to delete it. Yep. All 500 words! jk. it wasn't that long. I figured it's not going to help the situations if this gets back to my residents! So, I will just write out my troubles one by one, that don't have to do with being an RA!

First off, I'm struggling. I don't know how I'm going to go to school this spring. I have no money. I have no loans yet, but seeing as the economy isn't doing so great, my loan-retrieving is looking pretty grim. I don't know what I'm going to do. At all. I cannot ask my parents for any more money. I can't. They've done so much for me. They have too many troubles of their own, and asking them would just be one more burden on them. I am worrying every day about this. I wish I could just magically win a million dollars. If only it was that easy. As if that's not enough, I have to keep going to school, because I'm an RA, and I have to keep being an RA!

Trouble number 2...I'm struggling even more with this one. My family is the most important thing to me ever. I have the hardest time connecting to them sometimes. I love them so much, but I don't know why I can't just enjoy being home with them. I went home and got super depressed. The reason? My brother whom I deeply love and care for is in extreme pain and it hurts me. He's going through a divorce, and I can't help but cry every time I think about how badly he hurts inside. He has four beautiful boys. Treven, Tracen, Bodie, and Casey. He's only five years older than I am, and he's already had four children, and now his wife just decided that she doesn't want the marriage anymore. This created a huge burden on my parents. Jared now lives with my parents, and when he has the kids, which is every weekend, it's hard for my family. I know my mom is worried sick about Jared. She's worried sick about tons of things, and I worry about her. I love her so much, and it's killing me inside to see her hurt about Jared. It's killing me to see Jared hurt. However, I know it will somehow all work out in the end. My Savior, Jesus Christ, will help us all through it, but right now, it hurts. Not a day goes by that I don't hurt for Jared and his beautiful children. Those children matter so much to me.

Wow, I really have needed to just get all these frustrations out, can you tell? I haven't really had a lot of people I can just say all this to. Who do you trust? You can't trust just anybody with this information.

Moving on. My #3 struggle is the fact that I want to go back. I want to go back to when I was about 14, when I first started doing things I now regret. I regret so much not taking advantage of so many things, like building a good relationship with my mom and dad. I can't talk to them about so many things. I don't know why. I just never have been close with them, and I want so badly to have that connection. I turned into this super independent person who doesn't want to let anyone in. Someone who doesn't want other people to fix her problems, but really is crying out underneath the surface. A perfect example of this was how I just plainly took off last night. I just walked around dark Logan city for a while. I was feeling so alone. I wanted someone to understand, I wanted someone to hold me and tell me it would be okay, but I never ask for that help. I never want to burden others. If I ever ask for someone to help me, I feel like a needy person who nobody likes to be around.

Often times, especially since being at school this year, I've found myself feeling very much alone. Very much like nobody understands what I'm going through, and yes, I know my Savior knows, but sometimes, I just want someone here in person to talk to.

This brings me to my next struggle...#4.
I don't know if I'm cut out for everything I'm doing. I'm Miss Uintah Basin. That's GREAT, but am I really who should have won? I'm an RA, but am I really the person for the job? I'm going into broadcast journalism, but do I really have what it takes? I feel so inadequate sometimes. I feel like it's so easy for other people in my classes, and I'm just the person in the class pretending that I know what I'm doing. Granted I do know what I'm doing. I know how to do everything, it's just that I underestimate myself. A ton! I am my own worst critic. I am hard on myself. It's never going to change. I don't take compliments well, I don't think I am capable of so many things, because I have been told so many time that I can't. That I'm not good enough. So here I sit...lonely, unsure, sad, slightly depressed, worried, hurt, crying, and afraid. Is there anyone out there? Anyone listening?